Perfection.
Yes, that has always been my aim. I had to be perfect, or I was disappointed in myself. Needless to say, I spent a lot of time being disappointed. And wasn’t that convenient? Being disappointed, I could safely wallow in my failure, in how pathetic I was – and I didn’t have to go out there and try again. I was vindicated.
None of this was conscious, of course. I was truly and genuinely miserable in my “failure.” And please don’t nod knowingly, thinking – ah, her parents must have been demanding. Nothing can be further from the truth. I remember coming home with a “B” in despairing tears as a child, and my mom hugging me and telling me that a “B” was great; that my only competition was with myself and doing the best I could- and that she was so proud because I did. My parents always said the right thing.
Sometimes it’s just the mechanisms we develop ourselves to handle life. They are not always so useful in the long run, but in the short run, it served some type of purpose that we didn’t let go of when it stopped serving us. I think that is true for me.
So here I am, ten days into the challenge – and far from perfect. I don’t do all the exercises exactly on time and have skipped one entirely. And worse, I can’t say that I have inculcated a new habit of self-care. I am really still slogging away at it every single day. Luckily, I have given up crying inconsolably over my failure and in fact, I am even almost there at not seeing this as a failure, but a work in progress.
I am continuing the challenge. I am doing the things I said I would, even if late. And I am still working on doing something every day for my own self-care. And yes, my room looks awful. I need to sweep. I haven’t done something “fun” for myself and right this moment it feels more like a chore to find time to go out to a movie, than an opportunity. Right now the challenge doesn’t feel so fun. But that is the thing – that in the middle, when you are challenging yourself to do something new, it is hard going. It doesn’t necessarily feel fun. And I will sometimes fail. Or not fail, I will not do it perfectly. And if I want to succeed in doing something new, if I really want to make this change in my life, I need to be ready not to be perfect. In public.
So here is my invitation to you who are doing the challenge – and to those of you challenging yourselves in your own lives. Don’t be perfect. But continue to be. Continue to get up in the morning and try again. Because those little, unglamorous moments of trial and error are what make up our characters and our lives.
